


Forever

by BytheSea (ye_old_cactus)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 03:07:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13181091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ye_old_cactus/pseuds/BytheSea
Summary: As Kaidan finds himself in front of the man he loves, wanting to let go but not daring to, begging him to take him to be together the last moments of their lives, he just can't accept the fact that maybe he's never done enough to show him just how big and amazing is the love he feels towards him.





	Forever

**Author's Note:**

> i hate how easy it is for me to write in first person pov, I know it's not everyone's favorite but I just idvwkshwksvsisjsbssjahsi I love Shepard

_I can’t lose you, not again_ , I think as I beg him to let me come with him, to not leave me behind, the Normandy blowing to piece replays in my mind, what I felt when I saw only his back, running towards the cockpit to save Joker, the relief as soon as I saw the last pod make it out… and the shattering of my heart when the only person to come out of it was Joker.

And then I see him, again, all bloody and battered, I think of how much I love him, the reason why I fell in love with him. He is our last chance, our last hope, we won’t make it without him and I know that if he takes me with him, survival is not so much of an option, but I’m weak, I don’t know what I’m going to do if he’s not here with me. How long will it take me to move on with my life and just… live?

* * *

I went on two years without you, two years without your kisses, your hugs, your eyes, your hands on me, and now… you’re asking for me to go on like that forever. Because I know you won’t take me with you, I see it in the way you get closer to me, and cup my face in your hand while you grab your gun with the other. And I’m ready to tell you I won’t step down, I won’t leave like this, I refuse to let you go… but then you speak.

“No matter what happens,” you say, “know that I love you. Always,” and I’m so speechless, amazed maybe, proud for sure. I don’t know... I don’t know how to explain what I feel, how to tell you all this, all that you mean to me, all… this love, I don’t know how to explain it, what to compare it with…

“I love you, too,” I manage to choke out, but it’s not enough… it’s never enough.

I’m scared, not for your life anymore, because you’re giving it to us, to me, so we can have a future, I’m scared because deep down I’m not sure that in the last moments of your life, you’ll understand how much I love you.

When I see you run back into action, while Garrus pulls me back to the Normandy, I pray to whatever God or Goddess is listening, to convey to you this, this sensation in my heart, I don’t think it’s love anymore, it’s not affection either… it’s something else that not even I will ever understand.

And now I’m in front of the memorial wall on the Normandy, back on Earth, a plaque with your name in my hands, and I don’t know what to do with it, I refuse to put it on the wall, to let your name join Anderson’s, I can’t accept the fact that you’re not here anymore.

But I walk to the wall and I do it, and I feel Joker’s hand on my shoulder, and then Liara’s on my other one and the next thing I see is Garrus embracing me in a hug that leaves me crying so hard I feel raw and wrong and then it’s not only him hugging me but now Vega and Liara, too and Traynor and Joker after and Daniels and Donnelly and, I can't see them all through the tears but I feel them, I feel their pain and sorrow, not only for your sacrifice but because their planets are practically gone, and then… I finally admit it. I accept you won’t be coming back, that from now on I’ll have to relearn how to breathe and walk and shoot and eat…

I’ll have to relearn life without you, because you’re gone… Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think I ever told you guys that my first run through all the games, I died at the end hahahahahahah FUCK
> 
> also I'm on my way to the beach and I'm posting this from my phone so I'm sorry about typos and stuff


End file.
